No Intelligence Here

13 03 2009
toy-car

Early autotrophic quadrocyclite species

[irony]

skateboard

Primitive scateboardite in its native environment

The earliest of the motile machines to roll out of the primordial ooze more than twenty stoopillion years ago were four-wheeled creatures, known as skateboardites.  These organisms were believed to be autotrophic and capable of slow and simple movement.  Their design was so simple that their fossils are often mistaken for bubbles in mafic rock formations.  These simple machines were quickly replaced by slightly more capable versions, also having four wheels, known as the toycarites.

Toycarites had evolved a more complex steering, and some protective armor.  Rudimentary headlights can also be seen in their earliest evolutionary stage.

modern-tricycle

Late Modernassic Age tricyclite species

old-tricycle

Early Victorianaceous Age tricyclite

Here, we find one of the earliest evolutionary branches, the tricyclites, first appearing in the Victorianaceous period ten googlepoopillion years ago.  Earliest species have been found with larger back wheels, while contemporary species are generally found with smaller rear wheels.  How these species have managed to remain relatively unchanged throughout natural history poses a paleological mystery.  They appear to have become well-adapted to their environment early on.

bicycle

Late bicyclite

old-bike

Primitive bicyclite species

Despite the apparent success of the tricyclites, the bicyclites managed to diverge from them in the mid to late Victorianaceous period.  The earliest species show the enlarged front wheel, suggesting that they may have diverged from the most recent forms of tricyclites.  Later bicyclites display the homomorphic wheel design, as is seen in today’s bicyclites.

mitosis-bike

Early bicyclite undergoing lateral fission

Some bicyclite fossils have been found in in the process of binary fission.  The early species apparently employed a lateral fission, separating from front to back.  As seen in the photo at left, the two daughter bikes share a common rear wheel, which has not yet bifurcated.  Later bikes demonstrate anterior/posterior fission, as seen in the picture to the right.

tandem-bike

Late bicylite undergoing anterior/posterior fission

motorcycle

Motorcyclasaurus

It is here that the first of the heterotrophs appears.  Despite apparent similarities with the quadracycle heterotrophs, this line of gasoline-burning machine must have developed independently.  Thus, it is evident that the internal combustion engine must have evolved separately more than once, an amazing feat, considering its level of complexity.

The earliest motorcyclasaurus appeared in the late Industrialageuos period, approximately five dummillian years ago.

Branching off of the toycarites emerged the earliest of the heterotrophic quadracycles, known as a horselesscarriageasaurus  (right)

horselesscariageasaurus

horselesscariageasaurus

After them came the infamous Model T-Rex, a menace in its time.

Model T-Rex

Model T-Rex

More efficient models came later, producing greater speeds, enabling the machines to catch their prey more easily, as well as evade predators.

Deucesaurus, descendent of the earlier Model T-Rex

Deucesaurus, descendent of the earlier Model T-Rex

A.romeo var. daytonii, modern species of heterotrophic quadracyclite

A.romeo var. daytonii, modern species of heterotrophic quadracyclite

Heterotrophic quadracycle species devouring a tree.

Heterotrophic quadracyclite species devouring a tree.

At some point during the post-industrialassic age, less than two bazillian years ago, airplanes were believed to have branched off.  The propeller is believed to have evolved from an adaptation of a wheel, leaving three others for ground purposes.  The wings are thought to be homologous to quadracyclite fenders.

A. helicopter, predecesser to the airplane

A. helicopter, predecesser to the airplane

Helicopters are believed to have been a transitional species from before the evolution of complete wings.

Airplane, descendent of the quadracyclites?

Airplane, descendent of the quadracyclites?

Later airplanes evolved jet engines, which enabled them to travel higher and faster, increasing their fitness as a species.

Primitive Jet planii (J. planii var. prototypii)

Primitive Jet planii (J. planii var. prototypii)

Modern jet species in flight

Modern jet species in flight

Boat species can be seen to have evolved from the plane family, as is evidenced by intermediate boat-plane  fossils.

transitional species in plane-boat evolution

transitional species in plane-boat evolution

A modern plane of prey

A modern plane of prey

One of the most interesting evolutionary transitions is the evolution of the train.  Earliest trains appeared to have evolved from a bus-like quadracyclite species.  The earliest of these were known as the trolliates.

Bus and trolley, evolutionary cousins?

Bus and trolley, evolutionary cousins?

The advantage to rail-bound living is unclear.  However several different evolutionary lines appear to have diverged early on, giving rise to the deisel train and the cable car.  Later species of the deisel train developed coal-eating (coalophageous) ability to adapt to the abundance of coal versus refined deisel.

Early deisel train

Early deisel train

However, an asteroid strike on the Yuckatan Peninsula apparently drove the coalophageous species to extinction.

Extinct coalophageous train

Extinct coalophageous train

Cable cars eventually gave rise to trams, which still exist today in small numbers, living mostly in mountainous regions in Europe and North America.

Modern tram species, decendent of the prehistoric cable cars

Modern tram species, decendent of the prehistoric cable cars

The evolutionary relationship of the bumper species of cars is unclear.  Some scientists have classified them as late relatives of the tram, while others classify it as a branch of the early autotrophic quadracyclite line.

B. carus, undetermined evolutionary lineage

B. carus, undetermined evolutionary lineage

Even today’s bumper species have vestigial dorsal appendages as found on the tram species.  Other species of indeterminate origin include the blimp species, and the simple ICBM.

Blimpus maximus, decendant of the hot air balloon, which has no known origin

Blimpus maximus, decendant of the hot air balloon, which has no known origin

A humble ICBM species, possibly originated in sulfur vents

A humble ICBM species, possibly originated in sulfur vents

Aircraft carriers appear to have evolved as a symbiotic relationship between an airplane species and a boat species.  The benefits that one provides for the other has resulted in a closely-matched evolutionary relationship, with the two machines living as a single machine.

A. carrier, a harmony of two machines

A. carrier, a harmony of two machines

In conclusion, a solid continuum has been found to exist among all machines, further substantiating the theory that all machines evolved from a common origin.  While on the surface there appears to be an intelligent design to modern machines, this is clearly not the case.  Machines evolved over the course of idiotillions of years, through chance nicks and dings and various forms of corrosion, coupled with natural selection.  No intelligent designer need ever to have been involved.  Religious members of our society may try to push this unscientific dogma into our textbooks, but we must do our best to stop this.  We cannot let the belief in a human engineer interfere with the pursuit of naturalistic science.

[/irony]

And that’s the way it isn’t.

truchetsig

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